u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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