I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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