Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
