Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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