i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hippo gnu deer
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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