Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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