if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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