this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
