i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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