Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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