Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
