conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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