she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
