woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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