I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
