I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
