I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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