i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
