I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
