I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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