Acid is not a monday night drug
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
