went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
