Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
