my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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