I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I need to stop coming to work sober
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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