New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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