I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
