I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
