whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
