ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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