you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just saw a hot homeless man
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
