I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
false alarm, still single
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
