I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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