You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
