Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
