oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
