he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
