I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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