I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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