I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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