There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
