You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
