What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
