I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
His nipple licking is glorious
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