The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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