make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
