you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
