Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
