You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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