I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
