just come out here and I will go home with you...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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