can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
